Something which I feel the need to post, but you shouldn't feel obligated to read. Really, it's an angstball and it simply feels good to get it off my chest.
It's been like, half a month and I still can't get over it. I thought I could. I thought I did. But I didn't. I broke down my stupid so-called strong front after a week. It's pathetic. But each blow just reminds me that I'm not good enough and that I'm unwanted.
So I didn't get into Yale. So I didn't get into Brown, and I got waitlisted by Dartmouth. Okay, those colleges don't want me. 2280 SAT got me nowhere. 15 clubs, activities, three sports, a national ranking in fencing, 200+ hours of hospital volunteer work, 2x president, secretary, and long time member of Science Club, co-founder of International Service Club, and archery league participant means nothing. Great. My high scored APs, my 4.2 GPA, my highschool college courses. Fucking nothing.
But I got over that a while ago. But my safeties are Boston University, Drexel University, and SUNY Stony Brook. I had gotten over that I'm not Ivy League material. I'd gotten over that my four years of slaving and working and studying and not partying and not drinking and not doing drugs and shit were somewhat in vain.
But now I can't even go to Boston University. I know I would have been happy there.
They only gave me 17k in scholarship. Cost of BU is 57k. A year. So 40k a year, times 4 years, is 160k. I also plan on going to graduate school, so tack on another 200k to that cost. And my parents don't want to pay that -- I get it. My sister's also in college. But she didn't get a single fucking dime in scholarships and my parents are willing to pay for her college... because she's in a ~*~special program~*~ that'll take 6 years and then automatically put her into a pharmacy job. Her schooling costs 55k/year for 6 years.
Alright. I get that she's going to get a six-digit salary right off the bat, and that my schooling is a little more risky, a little more chancy... but... /:
If I had been the first child, I would be in my top college (out of my safeties). Fuck, I might have gotten into an Ivy League if I applied three years ago -- this year was one of the most competitive in college application history. But I won't get into excuses, because they'll get me nowhere now.
And it doesn't help that my mother hates me now. Hates me. I get screamed at for not wearing slippers around the house, for going (may God have mercy on my soul) barefoot. I get screamed at for the littlest mistake that anyone could have made, for saying 10 AM instead of 9 AM because I looked at the wrong event for the right day. Alright, my bad, my mistake. But do you have to keep bringing it up? Keep giving me dirty glares like the world rested on 9 AM and oh lord, apocalypse time because we arrived at 10? I'm walking on eggshells around her. She tells me I'm no fun to be around, that I'm a bitch, that I need to stop being so melodramatic. But I can't. Because this affects the rest of my life. And beyond that, I have to prove myself against my sister. I never was mother's favorite, and it's obvious.
But I suppose I'm going off on a tangent. This is about my college miseries.
So, my new choices are Drexel and SUNY Stony Brook, the former having given me about 27k in scholarship, bringing the cost to 32k/year, and the latter costing about 11k (because it is a state school).
I don't... want to go to either. They're both in the top 100 schools in the nation, but... they're both closer to 100 than 50, and... I don't know. I just feel like I could have done better. Way better... but I was an arrogant ass in the fall and I thought -- I really thought that I could make it into one of the top top schools. I really wish I could go back in time and smack myself in the face, hard, twice. Say, "Hey fuckin' moron, why are you smiling? Stop that, your life sucks but you don't know it yet."
Well, fuck me, ha ha. Stupid ass.
I wish I had applied to more schools. If I got waitlisted at Dartmouth, then I probably could have gotten into Johns Hopkins, or NYU at least. I might be going to a really really good school rather than one that I could have gotten into without AP, without college courses, without working my ass off, without volunteering so much.
It stings when I hear that miserable racist bastards who laugh at people with mental disabilities and cause a general distraction in the classroom are going to better schools than me, with scholarships that cover their entire tuition. It stings that the friends whom I've tutored and helped and sat down with during lunch to go over their math homework for the umpteenth time are going to their dream colleges and I'm stuck with my not-so-fit schools. I'm competitive academically, and my biggest peeve is not getting recognition for all the things I've done. And call it self-centered, but that's the truth and I am unable to change myself.
Please don't say that I should be proud of my 'accomplishments,' because I'm not. I wish I hadn't 'accomplished' anything. I wish I hadn't wasted my time. I have nothing to show for four years of hard work, and, according to my mother, my 'personality is rotten' anyway.
God, I'm so pathetic. Every time I think of this the tears just start coming, again and again and again. I can't cry in front of anyone because I don't want them to feel bad. I'm empathetic. I hate comforting people (because I don't know how, really), and I would never want to force the position of 'comforter' on someone else. I've already wailed my miseries at my friends for long enough -- I don't want to be any more of a burden, despite my jealousy of them. They are happy. They got into fitting colleges. Their parents will pay for it. Besides that, my mom gives me these looks that say, "Shut up, stop crying you miserable moron." So I cry alone, at night, in my room, when people are asleep and it's pathetic and I hate myself and I wish I could just stop.
If you read all of that, you are a wonderful person. The TLDR is: I'm a melodramatic bitch and I hate my past and present self.